Real Moms: How To Work Through Unresolved Trauma and Avoid Projecting It Onto Our Children

Once motherhood enters your life, you gain an extra sense of empathy towards other mothers. However, it also lets you reflect on other factors regarding your ability as a mother, including your childhood. This is when you realize that everything is connected.

I remember thinking when I was younger that I never wanted to project my pain onto my children. It came from a place of anger and hurt because I knew my parents were missing the mark on many things.

I can recall moments where as a child, I was my mother’s therapist more than her daughter. It made me feel uncomfortable and anxious, feelings a child shouldn’t feel around their parents.

Years later, I understood that many of my parents’ behaviors towards me were lined with their own unresolved trauma.

They projected so much of their darkness on me — their failures, the inability to satisfy their inner child, and things I will never understand at this point. All I knew was that I wanted better for my future children.

Now, as a mother of one, it has dawned on me that I, too, have had to navigate around my unresolved trauma (considering the upbringing I had.) But rather than making my kid suffer through my recovery, I’m taking steps that will shield them from anything that may perpetuate this vicious cycle.

Here’s how:

Notice how you react

Trauma manifests itself in many different ways, but it usually has a way to peek through during the simplest of moments. It can dictate how you react to an unpleasant situation or a moment that requires your full attention. Part of resolving your trauma is being hyper-aware of your behaviors, so you can analyze whether or not they are beneficial for your child’s developmental growth. The best rule to keep in mind is that you want to be as understanding as possible — and genuine at it too. 

Help yourself

No matter how much of a superhuman you think you are, you aren’t. Unresolved trauma needs to be treated by experts. Frequently visiting the therapist — it can be physically or through telehealth — will help manage triggering situations that may have a domino effect on those around you. Ultimately,  you want to control your emotions, trauma, and responses, and a therapist can help with this. Try reading books on how to heal your mind and soul if you want to start light before seeing a therapist.

Be honest with everyone

It is difficult for our families to see us at our most vulnerable, but sometimes it’s needed. Don’t bottle up things that may trigger you or remind you of your own pain. Sit down with them and express where these feelings are coming from. I’m not going to say that they may understand you all the time, but at least they’ll have an idea of why you react the way you do in certain situations. 

Be kind to yourself

Remember that your trauma was given to you without your consent. It wasn’t your fault. So, be gentle with your healing. As long as you make a conscious effort to work on issues that may hinder your familial relationships, then you are halfway around the track. 

Just know that no one expects you to be perfect — but that doesn’t mean you can’t portray the best version of yourself for everyone. Your children, especially, deserve it.