Latino pride is loud and more evident than ever. Latinos are proud of their roots and heritage, always filled with honor and joy about where they came from.
Even if their countries have flaws and they may have chosen to immigrate elsewhere for a better future, Latinos never deny their background and follow their traditions and culture closely.
However, it is important to note that many things Latinos say or do are part of a long line of generational trauma and toxicity.
Here are some toxic things our Latino parents always said we should try to unlearn.
“Hay que mejorar la raza”
This phrase is prevalent in the Latino community, quite literally stating that we need to “improve the race.” This saying is based on racism, implying that the White race is superior, and we must work towards finding white partners to improve our lineage and have “better-looking” children.
For some reason, there is a hyper fixation with being White or European in our Latino families, with many of our parents going out of their way to emphasize that they are of Spanish (or any other European country) descent, completely disregarding that this is a clear example of being colonized.
“Te calmas o te calmo”
Means “calm down or I’ll calm you down.” This is a toxic saying used by Latino parents to frighten us into submission and something we should remove from our vocabulary. Due to its threatening nature, it pretends to instill in children the fear of expressing their emotions.
For example, Latino parents would often tell us to stop crying or that they’d “give us something to cry about,” making it seem like they would physically harm us until we shut up.
Tell me again, why our community thinks it’s okay to say this to a child? Osea.
“Dime con quién andas y te diré quien eres”
“Tell me who you hang out with, and I’ll tell you who you are.” This expression is judgmental in nature. Latino parents are quick to judge their children’s friends and acquaintances, saying they are negative influences without really knowing them.
Besides, hanging out with someone does not mean you are exactly like them. We all have our own personalities, and hey, opposites attract.
Maybe we should tell our parents that they are bad influences on us for a change?
“Aqui mando yo”
Ah, the authoritarian parent. With their innate tendencies to have power and total control over everything, they often say “aqui mando yo,” meaning they are the ones at command.
This is something we should unlearn as we break through the cycle of generational trauma as it does not give us the liberty to explore our identity. It takes away any figment of autonomy we think we may have.
Being controlled to this magnitude can oftentimes be suffocating, so it’s best to leave this on the side.
“Ya se puede casar”
We can’t talk about toxicity in the Latino community without addressing the problem of machismo. “Ya se puede casar” translates to “you are ready to get married,” meaning that you have successfully achieved all the skills needed in order to maintain a household, such as cooking delicious meals for your spouse (even if you both work full-time).
This expression creates the expectation that women’s sole purpose in life is to make their spouse the center of their universe, which should not be the case.
“Calladita se ve mas bonita”
Another example of machismo in Latino culture, this saying means that you look more beautiful when you’re quiet.
This sexist remark implies that men are the ones that should do all the talking and women should simply listen. Why must women be the submissive ones? What if they have something to say?
“Si saben cómo soy pa’que me invitan”
While many of our parents say this jokingly, meaning “If you know how I am, then why do you invite me?” this expression perpetuates alcoholism in our families.
We have become so desensitized and simply accept the drunken behavior of some of our family members (causing a scene, getting violent, being verbally abusive, etc.) because they are “normal” when sober.
The fact that we never address this problematic behavior can be seen in this saying, and it is time we stop laughing at this and actually do something about it.
“Porque soy tu madre y punto”
Like the previously mentioned “Aqui mando yo,” I present the authoritarian mom to you. This mom loves to say, “because I am your mother, PERIOD,” as if everything that comes from her mouth is divine law.
Some Latina moms rather use this expression to silence you rather than admit they are wrong, made a mistake, or apologize.
It’s 2022 — it’s time to be accountable as parents.
“Quedarse para vestir santos”
Don’t you just hate going to a family gathering, and your parents and other family members start asking when you will get married and have children? Although what you do with your life is no one’s business but your own, el metido never fails to say “quedarse para vestir santos” (“stay to dress saints”).
This means that if a woman does not get married by a certain age, she will remain single for the rest of her life. Mija, a friendly reminder: you can get married at 20, 30, or 50 — whenever you want. And, if you rather enjoy the single life for the rest of your rest, then so be it.
We can love our parents wholeheartedly while also being vocal about why the things they say are wrong. It’s called growth, mi gente.